Just 4 months before my 6th wedding anniversary, I came to know why my husband really married me. It was like an enlightenment. At the same time I could feel the ground beneath my feet collapse. It was a strange feeling.
For years I had struggled to know why he really married me, if not for love. I made many assumptions and accosted him often. But he was insouciant to my pain and suffering. As a man he walked off saying he cannot emotionally connect to me. So? Thats it?
If not your wife, I am your son’s mother. As a mother, show me some respect. Withered my hope, from being sad to being indifferent, my emotions had evolved over the years.
But he was still the same, unruffled by my presence.
It was a usual Tuesday night, the first week of August 2014, that I googled and got the answer to my questions. I felt silly for not having seen the obvious reason for so many reasons. How stupid I was! All these years it was just under my nose. How could I have not seen it?
I felt light after knowing the reason. At the same time, I felt cheated. All the love which he had shown me before marriage seemed like a honey trap and I the naive girl, fell inside it.
I now had the answers why my husband avoided coming close to me. I recall on our honeymoon, I kept telling him that I feel like a tourist and less like a honeymooner. Why are we visiting museums, aquariums and doing sightseeing like a tourist? Why are we not spending time getting cozy, taking the day as we want, at our pace?
Few months later, we went to Europe for 17 days. Again, we toured the countries like tourists, making love not once. I just blamed the hectic itinerary. I was happy to be with the person I loved the most, and believed the same for him.
I stayed in a joint family, with my in-laws. I now understand why my husband would come upstairs to spend time with me after dinner, post 11 pm. He had to watch television till 2 or 3 am. Else he could not sleep. How gullible I was, I believed him! I would try to sleep by myself for months. He would join me when I would have slept already, tired of waiting for him.
On days when he was at home, either of his parents would find some work for him in the afternoon. That’s the time, when I expected a siesta holding him by my side. How like a perfect son, he would hop on his bike and rush to get things from the market. He used to get tired after coming back, watch tv to relax or just crash on the bed.
I loved shopping and he liked accompanying me. Well that’s before my marriage. Post the D-day he suddenly found it an unbearable chore to accompany me to markets or go out. The silly me thought it to be the universal ‘married man phenomenon’.
After our first anniversary, my MIL wanted us to have a baby. She asserted that once we have a child, our fights would cease. Well yes, I complained of the less time my husband spent with me, and believed it to be the in-laws effect. Because he loved me before getting married, or rather his words and actions showed love. Those days, he was the perfect gentleman, chivalrous, everything that a woman looks for in her life partner. But that was the day before I tied the knot.
We went to Thailand. That was the only time when he came close to me often. And I conceived. The romantic in me dreamt of a peaceful and happy family with our junior. Silly me!
Things actually dint get any better after my child was born. And my husband just evolved. He would always demean me and hardly interact. I was made to feel that I cant take care of my baby by myself. Which woman becomes a perfect mother from day one? With the birth of a child, a mother is born. They learn and grow together. I was no exception.
Actually, the signs were always there. It once crossed my mind, but he thundered that he has fathered my child. I agreed. After all these years of faking a happy married life to the world, somewhere I had broken from inside. Why will a husband stop talking to a wife if the house was not arranged and prim and proper? Why will he not blame the full time maid for housework? Why will he find reasons so that he doesn’t have to come near me, talk to me, hold my hand, spend time with me, go out with me, shower me with gifts or make me feel special and loved ever?
After all these years, I had the answer. But I needed to be doubly sure before I speak up. I spoke to my parents and doctors. The ignorant me finally got the insight to my life. My husband was a sexually dysfunctional man. Shocked! Yes I was. Such men can have children. The other reasons which the doctors gave was either he is gay or he has an affair. I doubt the later. I would have been happier had he been in a relationship and gave me an easy exit.
One of the doctors smirked when I informed him that we may have got physical around 20 times in more than 5 years. Such marriages don’t last 6 months, he said. I felt such an idiot in love, blindly in love. In love with the man who actually never loved me. Ouch…this feeling actually hurts. But I am in a much calmer zone now.
I always wanted to write a novel with a story close to my heart but never thought I would be a part of one all these years!
Trance Series 